Doink, quiet time, no-brainers or something like that

I should probably make a label for this blog called doink, which is the sound that came from the things that bounced off my head.  I was fortunate to have some amazing Biblical teaching when my children were young, and I have no excuse for some of the trials and errors I still made them live through.

One of the things that went doink off my head, was the fact that some children really need help coping with change.  Some kids are very adaptable and will roll with the changes, but some kids get very unsettled and need more nurturing.  Nurturing was not my strong suit, especially when I was younger and was out to conquer the world.  I expected my little ones to fall in line and charge ahead with me on whatever grand adventure I was on.  A couple of them were cut from my cloth and were able to hack it, but a couple of them will probably need counseling at some point.  It took me a while to interpret the very obvious signs.  When a child throws up as you are packing the car for every single road trip, they might have some anxiety that you need to deal with.  It took me about two years to catch on to that one.  I wish I would have had the wisdom to sit down with those children and pray with them.  I wish I had realized that they were scared and needed to talk through what was happening.  Looking back I wish I had slowed down my pace and taken the time to bring them along in a way that didn't terrorize them.

Now that I have done more reading on how children deal with trauma, I see how I should have handled things differently.  First of all you really need to be a student of your children.  It is very helpful to know if you are dealing with people who are introverts or extroverts.  They will play with their peers differently.  Sometimes things that look like discipline issues are just stress that you have put on your child because you don't get their personality.  I am not advocating for making excuses for children based on personality types, but it is very helpful to know that some kids are not going to be able to play with other children for hours on end, and that it is okay for them to take a book and sit in a quiet place so that they can settle themselves down.  One size does not fit all for discipline, play time, food habits, social time, education, all of these things take a lot of wisdom and discernment.  Above all these things take grace.  Grace from mom in learning who her children are.  Grace with friends who might give helpful advice that it is not at all helpful.  Grace with husbands who see things from a different perspective.  Grace with yourself when you whiff it.  God is good, and he gives us his word and his spirit to teach us what we need to know to build up the people around us.  He has also given us a wonderful community of people to learn from and grow with.

At my house I have tried to provide some quiet space for my children.  We have a lot of introverts in our house, and they need quiet space to recharge.  Some of them need things to do in that quiet space, but taking them to a friend's house is not always what they need, even when they sometimes think that is what they want.  I know that they need to be alone for a few hours every day.  My children all share rooms, so they can't necessarily isolate themselves, but they can be on their bed and have their own space.  Some of them read, some listen to music, some pretend they are at school, some build things with k'nex, but what they are doing is not all that important as long as they can have sometime to settle their brain.  When they were little I had to be very careful where I took them and for how long.  Costco can be very overwhelming for kids who can't take a lot of chaos.  They could make it for a brief shopping trip, but adding any other errands might be too much.  Sometimes the trip home in the car was enough for them to settle down, but sometimes we all needed a nap.  As my children have hit the teenage years, I have been able to give them grace when they just need to go to their rooms.  I know they are not avoiding their family, they are just worn out from all the energy they have spent at school.  When they have extra-curricular activities I know they need to have enough food, and a break at some point in their day.  It is easy to mis-read your kids if you don't know how their day has been.  It is especially challenging when you have kids that internalize most things.  Prayer is your best ally in those cases.  It is also good to know their teachers and friends so that you can get a better feel for what is happening that you might not be aware of.  The most important thing to remember is that it is not all about you.  If your kids get wonky at any age, ask yourself if you have given them enough food, and enough sleep, if not start there.  Don't take their behaviour personally.  I grew up with the saying that, if it isn't one thing it's your mother.  It is easy for mom to think that every bad mood has something to do with her.  Don't fall into that trap.  It probably has nothing to do with you, and the child might not even know what is wrong.  Error on the side of giving grace and pray for God to show you if there is a need that isn't being met.

It is easy in the frenzy of life to forget to eat, or to not make sure you are getting enough rest.  These sound like no brainers, but I have gotten to 5:00 more than once and realized that my bad attitude was low blood sugar.  Start with the basics.  Do your best to set a regular rhythm to your day.  Go to bed at a regular time, even if the laundry is still on the couch.  Your husband might fold it for you, or it might be there when you get up, either way it will not look as nasty if you get some rest.  Eat regular meals.  Eating leftover soggy cereal and living on coffee is not a good way to fuel yourself for a hard day's work, and you will have a hard day's work.  Get some protein, and some good carbs, and make sure your kids get some too.  Quiet time in the afternoon is golden, make it happen.  Read your Bible for a few moments at a regular time.  Kill two birds with one stone, and read it out loud to whoever is in the room.  Make a date night with your husband.  Even if it means you sit in the dining room and talk to him, while the kids watch Leapfrog videos in the family room.  You need to look at your husband face to face on a regular basis and talk about something other than what is for dinner.  It is best not to wait until you are so tired that you start nodding off mid-sentence.  In all of these things, regularity with flexibilty  is a key to success.

You just been pep talked! (search for kid president on YouTube if you didn't get that reference)